


Hallelujah

by AdoreAdore54



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Minor Sif/Thor (Marvel), Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Odin (Marvel)'s Bad Parenting, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Sad Loki, Sibling Incest, Thor Is Not Stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-02-06 21:39:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12826644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdoreAdore54/pseuds/AdoreAdore54
Summary: Loki and Thor's relationship has never been simple. Certain moments in their lives change their relationship forever. But no matter how many times they push each other away, they always seem to be drawn back to one another.Based on the song Hallelujah.Each chapter deals with a different moment/moments in their lives from childhood to Ragnarok.





	1. Secret Chord

_Well, I heard there was a secret chord_  
_That David played and it pleased the lord_  
_But you don’t really care for music, do you?_  
_Well it goes like this:_  
_The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift_  
_The baffled king composing hallelujah_

Even as a child Loki had preferred strategy and planning over brute strength. His favourite part of childhood games such as hide-and-seek was the hiding itself. Figuring out more and more obscure and cleverly hidden places to conceal himself, challenging himself to stay undiscovered for longer each time. Thor’s favourite part was the discovering: tackling Loki to the ground and chasing him back to their starting point. Loki hoped to impress his brother with his innovative methods of concealment, but Thor soon got bored of playing with Loki when it started taking too long to find him.

Once they started receiving official training in the art of combat from the guards, there was little time for games. Thor was so excited the night before their first session that he couldn’t sleep, instead he crawled into Loki’s bed to discuss what they might cover the next day and speculate on when their father would allow them to accompany him in battle. The boys stayed awake all night inventing scenarios where they performed heroic deeds in battle, each tale getting more and more elaborate and ridiculous until the two could barely talk for laughing. 

Their first training session did not live up to expectations. Apparently before they were allowed to arm themselves, even with dulled weapons, they had to learn strategy. It was no use being able to wield even the most powerful of swords, the guard in charge of their training informed them, if they couldn’t predict when their opponent would strike them back. Thor was certain that his opponent would never get the chance.

After a half a dozen lessons, Loki was feeling confident. The guard was pleased with his progress and assured him he’d be allowed to practice with weapons in no time. That evening Loki crawled into Thor’s bed, excited to talk about everything they’d learnt. Thor didn’t share his excitement, lamenting that their lessons were pointless if they weren’t allowed to use real weapons.

Once they _were_ permitted to use weapons, their sessions started to be viewed by other members of the guards and the royal court so their progress could be monitored. Now Thor had his chance to shine. Whilst they were both adept with their chosen tools, everyone seemed much more impressed with Thor’s ability to smash things with hammers and large swords than they were with Loki’s ability to read a fight up close and know exactly where to slice his opponent with his blades.

Loki didn't mind too much, though, for Thor seemed impressed with his skill and was always happy to practice sparring with his younger brother. The two could often be found playfighting in the grounds, or sitting together talking in hushed tones about battle tactics.

As the boys grew, Thor’s focus on strength seemed to manifest itself in his development. He started to become broad and muscled, the image of their father, while Loki remained lithe and thin. Loki often found himself watching from the side-lines as Thor sparred with their peers. It wasn’t that Loki wasn’t a skilled fighter, there was no doubt about that, it was that his style differed. The fights often dissolved into matches of brute strength, the sort of which Loki was struggling to keep up with. 

He was never left out, his brother ensured that he was always invited when Thor met up with groups of other young Asgardians to spar, but Loki could tell he was becoming more of an inconvenience each time. The others gravitated towards Thor’s boisterous nature, laughing loudly at his jokes and tumbling with him in wrestling matches. They were less enamoured with Loki’s more quiet and inquisitive nature. After a while, Loki stopped accepting Thor’s offers to come down to the training field with his friends, instead choosing to keep his training to their scheduled lessons. 

Loki grew jealous. He found he was no longer placated by Thor's reassurances that his skills were good enough, he wanted others to know it too. He began to spend less time with his brother, his resentment at Thor's popularity beginning to cause him to become irritated with his brother's reassuring comments as Loki began to view them as patronising. He _knew_ he was a skilled fighter, he didn't need Thor to keep clapping him on the back with a guilty smile and a kind word every time one of their peers made a snide comment about Loki’s fighting style. He began to spend less time with Thor, encouraging his older brother spend time instead with his friends. 

It was during these days when Loki was left to his own devices that he began to develop his interest in magic. He had always been fascinated by his mother’s tricks and she was happy to help him harness the same skills once it became clear he had the ability. He also had the suspicion that she wanted to make sure he had something to occupy his mind to distract him from the fact that his brother was out having fun while he remained alone.

As soon as he was able, Loki began learning ways to use magic in combat. He’d hoped that he would be able to join Thor and his friends on the training field once more. Whilst he might not be able to physically overpower his peers, he could now at least use his tricks to make their hand-to-hand combat more interesting. After a few tries, it became clear that none but him found his newfound talent exciting. Some complained that it was not fair that Loki was using magic. They didn’t take too kindly to Loki biting back that them relying on their physical strength hadn’t been fair on him all this time. Thor tried to support him, but it was clear that after a while even he began to tire of his brother’s tricks, as once he had tired of finding him in their childhood games.

As much as Loki resented Thor's popularity and their father's clear preference for Thor's strength in battle, Loki found he could never truly stay angry at his brother for long. On the nights when Thor would crawl into Loki’s bed and hold him as he used to when they were children, Loki would relax into his embrace. In these moments, Loki felt more at peace than he did at any other. 

As the years wore on, Loki began to find his own path. Spending more time in his own company, passing the time by reading or honing his skills by creating visions around himself that he could walk right into. When he was feeling particularly driven he’d teach himself how to paint or play instruments. 

One year, a few nights before Thor's nameday, Loki was practising a piece of music on the lyre by his window as he watched his brother and his friends sparring outside. Upon finishing his song, he heard applause from behind. He turned to see his mother standing in the doorway to his chamber.

‘You play beautifully,’ she smiled at him.

He grew embarrassed. He hadn’t intended for anyone to hear. Playing music, especially on an instrument such as the lyre, was seen as a feminine practice by most Asgardians, and he didn’t need any more reasons to stand out.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ he murmured as put his instrument away.

‘Whyever not? It matters to me that I should have a son who can make such enchanting music.'

‘And father?’ Loki snapped, ‘Does it matter to him?’

Frigga walked towards him, placing her hand on his arm. ‘It takes many great talents to be a good king.'

Loki sneered. He’d heard his father tell him that before, and he hated hearing the allfather’s words coming from his mother’s mouth. ‘Yes, I’ll fight our enemies with a song, that will show them.'

Frigga was not deterred. ‘I’ve seen you fight. You have skill. And you have your magic. Your skills in the arts are just wonderful talents on top of that and I am proud of everything you do that brings you joy.'

Loki sighed. He knew he shouldn’t be snapping at his mother. It wasn’t her fault he felt slighted by Thor and his father, after all. He turned again to the window, looking back down at Thor and his friends. ‘Will it ever be enough?’

Frigga wrapped her arm around her youngest child and joined him in looking down at Thor. 

‘You are both different but are both worthy of ruling. You are still young, in time you’ll come to see that there is more to being a king than fighting.'

‘ _I_ know that.'

‘So does Thor. He thinks the world of you, Loki. I know he admires your skills as much as you do his.'

The two fell into a comfortable quiet as they remained watching Thor beat his opponents one by one.

Eventually Frigga broke the silence. ‘What was that piece you were playing?’

‘It doesn’t have a name. I composed it.'

‘You should play it for Thor's nameday. I’m sure he’d love it.'

\--

When Thor’s nameday comes less than a week later, Loki has decided that he will play his song for his brother as his mother suggested, but he won’t do it at the feast in front of everyone. He plans to do it later that evening when it’s just the two of them, he’s not ready to share his music with anyone else yet, but maybe with Thor’s approval he might be.

After the feast, he heads to his chamber to collect his lyre and have one last practice, before deciding to wait in Thor’s chamber so he can surprise him with his song when his brother retires for the evening. Loki waits until well into the night, but Thor doesn’t come. The next morning, as the dawn light streams in through the window, Loki wakes to Thor shaking him.

‘Loki, what are you doing in my bed?’

Thor looks dishevelled, as if he has been awake all night.

‘I was waiting for you. I wanted to show you something. Where have you been?’

‘Fandral organised a surprise party for me in the woods. You should have been there, Loki, it was glorious!’

Loki listens to Thor talk about that night’s events for as long as he can stand it, before excusing himself back to his own chamber.

He never plays Thor his song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I plan to do a chapter for each verse of the song, eventually ending with Ragnarok (so there won't be any spoilers for that until the last chapter).
> 
> Let me know what you think! :)


	2. Hallelujah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set during Loki's 'coming of age' birthday. I have no idea how old that is for Asgardians, but let's say it's the equivalent of an earth's 18th or 21st birthday.

_Hallelujah_  
_hallelujah_  
_hallelujah_  
_hallelujah_

It was almost inevitable that as they grew into adulthood, the pair’s relationship would change. It wasn’t unknown for Asgardian royalties to keep family lines pure and it was fairly common for men to take other men as lovers. This, in combination with the turbulent but undoubtedly close nature of their relationship, meant that there was only one way that relationship was headed.

The first step on the road to the new dimension of their relationship came on the evening of Loki’s coming of age celebrations. There were no surprise after dark parties in the woods but Loki didn’t care. All he wanted on the evening of his nameday was his brother’s unrequited attention. 

It was traditional for members of nobility to choose a partner to spend their first evening of adulthood with. The ceremony was a fairly simple one. During the day’s celebrations for whoever was coming of age, any similar-aged peers from other noble or well-respected families who wanted to be eligible for selection would place their names into a ceremonial goblet, usually an heirloom of the individual who was coming of age’s family. The names would then be approved or disapproved by the father of whoever was coming of age, before the person whose nameday it was selected their choice at the end of the evening’s feast.

It was expected that the rest of that person’s nameday would be spent ‘becoming an adult’, presumably for the first time, though that rarely seemed to be the case. Most of the offspring of nobles were already well aware of who their families wanted them to eventually marry and so, by the time they reached their official coming of age nameday, had already coupled with their future partner or were avoiding them altogether and hoping that their parents would change their minds and, thus, would rather not couple with anyone on their nameday than risk bringing embarrassment to their family by choosing the wrong partner. It was, of course, always an option that the person who was coming of age didn’t chose anyone, but it was more common for them to pick who they were supposed to and then retire to their chamber alone immediately after leaving the feast.

It was likely that the older generation of nobles knew this, in fact they had probably employed similar tactics in their youth, but everyone chose to turn a blind eye in favour of keeping the pretence of adhering to tradition. By the time they reached the age where they were expected to marry and begin families, most nobles had had the importance of keeping up the family name and respecting tradition drilled into them and so ended up marrying the partners originally chosen by their families anyway, even if they hadn’t spent their first official night of adulthood with them.

But whilst the children of nobles were generally permitted to spend their time with whom they wished during their young adult years so long as they settled down with the appropriate partner when the time came, things for royalty were a little different. Thor and Loki weren’t only charged with creating strong family ties with other noble and well-respected families, they had to consider the future of the royal lineage. 

The prospect of creating bastard offspring that may challenge any throne claims meant that engaging in relations which could potentially produce such offspring with anyone other than a partner specifically approved by the allfather were strictly forbidden. Potential partners were not decided, as was often the case for other noble families, at birth, but later in the princes’ lives, once Odin and his advisers had had time to properly evaluate the strengths of any potential future wives. For Loki and Thor’s partners were not only to be wives, but consorts. That is, they had to be worthy of the prince they were paired with and able to continue the lineage, but they were under no circumstances to be seen as an equal in terms of power over Asgard. They could advise but not rule. They could contribute but not make final decisions about anything that would influence Asgard’s people.

Loki knew that eventually the two of them would have to take consorts. It was expected that princes of the realm would find themselves women worthy of standing by their sides when the time came for whichever one of them was chosen to rule. He knew that his father had all but selected Lady Sif as Thor’s future consort, she was a fearsome warrior who respected Thor and would likely produce strong capable grandsons for the allfather, but thus far he had no indication as to who their father favoured as Loki’s future wife. Loki was fine with this, he didn’t much care for the politics of courtship and marriage and was glad of the fact that he had not been paired with Sif – she could be rather intimidating when she wanted to be.

And so, when it came to his name day, Loki still did not know who Odin would prefer him to pick to spend his first night of adulthood with. In practical terms, this didn’t matter – Loki had no intention of spending the night with anyone his father may have picked, but it did seem unusual to Loki that he had been given no guidance on the matter. 

Perhaps their father had not expected Loki to have much of a choice and so was planning to work with whatever they were presented at the feast, Loki was, after all, still much less popular than his older brother. However, when the time came for Loki to choose, he was presented with a reasonably large line of suitors. Loki would have liked to have believed that this was due to his charming personality, or wit, or skill on the battlefield, and maybe if he felt like being kind to himself he might let himself think that, but the more cynical side of his brain told him that the interest was less in him and more in his status. Second son or not, he was still a prince.

It didn’t matter, though. Loki had a plan and he was sticking with it. He took the official scroll handed to him by his father upon which he was supposed to write the name of his chosen companion, scrawled something down, and handed it back to the allfather so he could declare in his best official king voice who had been chosen. 

Odin opened the scroll, and cleared his throat, though he had no need, every face in the room was turned towards him eagerly awaiting the result. 

Elbowing Thor to get his attention before Odin could begin speaking, Loki murmured to his brother: ‘On my signal, run.’

Thor turned to him, expression aghast, ‘What have you done, Loki? What signal?’

And then the scroll exploded.

Everything was plunged into darkness as smoke spread rapidly from Odin’s position at the head of the table, enveloping the entire room.

Loki grabbed his brother’s arm and pulled. ‘Go!’

And the two were running from the room, Loki leading Thor through corridors and down steps until Thor had completely lost his sense of direction.  
Eventually Loki stopped outside a fairly innocuous door, bending at the waist, clutching his stomach, trying to catch his breath while laughing so hard tears fell from his eyes.  
Thor was not so amused.

‘What was that, Loki?! If you’ve hurt anyone-‘

‘Oh, come on, brother, have some faith. It was nothing but a harmless distraction. Everyone will be fine.’

‘I wouldn’t be so sure. When father finds you, you might be far from fine.’

Loki paused. ‘Good point.’

And then Thor was laughing, setting Loki off again, and the two doubled over snorting and giggling with unabashed freedom as they used to as children.

‘Where are we?’ Thor asked once he’d recovered.

‘Not too far away from the dining hall actually. But we won’t be found, I’ve enchanted the corridors around us so anyone but me will become confused and lose their way.’

‘You unnerve me sometimes.’

‘Thank you.’

Thor huffed out another laugh. ‘This seems an extreme measure just to get out of spending your first night of adulthood with one of your admirers. You could have just turned them all down.’

Loki curled his lip disparagingly. ‘I’d hardly call them admirers. Anyway I’d have thought you’d approve of this… lack of subtlety. Explosions and loud noises and running are usually your preferred methods of doing, well, _anything_.’

Thor raised an eyebrow. ‘Glad you have such a high opinion of me, brother.’

‘Oh, please, you’ve got to admit it was rather amusing. Father’s face…’

Thor grinned. ‘You really are going to be in so much trouble.’

‘I’d hope it’d be worth it.’ Loki’s tone had turned serious, almost shy. Before Thor could reply, his brother turned and opened the door they’d been standing by, gesturing for Thor to enter.

The room inside was similar to the bedchambers the brothers had slept in since they’d had separate rooms. A grand four-poster bed covered with luxurious blankets and furs stood proudly in the centre of the room. Around it the surfaces were covered in candles, casting a flickering glow, giving the room an almost ethereal quality. 

Loki watched Thor as his brother took in the room with an awed expression.

‘Loki? What is this?’

‘I didn’t want to spend my first night of adulthood with any of my “admirers” but that doesn’t mean I want to spend it alone.’

The meaning behind Loki’s gesture seemed to be hitting Thor.

‘You don’t mean… I never thought…’

‘I know,’ Loki replied gently. And he did. 

For, no matter how much the brothers may not see eye-to-eye on everything, no matter how much their paths had diverged over the past few years, no matter how often Loki would get annoyed with his brother, there was no one in the nine realms that Loki knew better, or who knew him better. There was no one he felt closer to, and no one he loved more. 

No matter how adept he was at fighting and magic and music and the art of articulation, there was one skill he possessed that he was more grateful for than any other: his ability to read his brother like a book.

He’d suspected for a while now that Thor’s feelings for him had developed beyond simple brotherly love, into the sort of feelings Loki himself had for the blond.

But loud and boisterous and obnoxious though his brother could be, there was one thing Thor was above all else. And that was unfathomably moral. And, whilst relationships between siblings in royal families weren’t unheard of on Asgard, they were becoming more and more rare, and looked down upon by most. Loki knew, therefore, that Thor would never initiate anything between the pair, especially as Loki was the younger of the two, in case it made the dark-haired man uncomfortable. He also knew that, unless he told Thor of his feelings in a way that could leave no doubt he felt the same way as Thor did for him, his brother would be reluctant to take their relationship further, for fear of Loki regretting it later.

And so Loki had waited, and damn had it been hard to wait, until the opportune moment. Bringing them to the present, on Loki’s first night of official adulthood, standing in a room Loki had been planning the decoration of for weeks.

Thor’s face was a mixture of awe and uncertainty as he turned to his brother. ‘Why me?’

‘You’re the person I trust the most in the world, the only one I can allow myself to be vulnerable around. If I’m going to officially become an “adult” tonight, I can’t imagine it being with anyone other than you.’ Loki walked towards Thor and reached out to grab the blond’s hand, but Thor pulled away.

Loki’s heart dropped momentarily, before he noticed that Thor’s face was not one of anger or disgust, but concern.

‘That’s not enough, Loki. You shouldn’t do this just because you trust me. You have to want it too.’

Loki huffed out an incredulous laugh. Trust Thor to choose this moment to take on the role of concerned and responsible older brother.

Loki did want Thor, the other _had_ to know that, surely? And, whilst everything he had just said was true, when planning this night, Loki had been sure the way to his brother’s heart was with the words he had just uttered. He felt certain that those would be the words Thor preferred, over a simple _I want you_. Maybe he did still have things to learn about his brother.

‘I was trying to be romantic,’ Loki confessed, moving once again towards Thor, ‘but of course I want this.’

This time, Thor leaned into Loki’s touch, and their faces were only inches apart when the blond murmured ‘Are you sure?’

Loki laughed. This was getting ridiculous. ‘I’ve never wanted anything more in my life,’ he replied honestly, then gestured around the room at the candles and the bed. ‘I don’t know how I can make that any clearer.’

Finally Thor seemed to believe him. The older man’s face broke into a smile that took on a mischievous quality. ‘Well, I have one idea how,’ he whispered as he leaned towards Loki.

Loki wasted no time in mirroring his brother’s movement.

And, finally, the space between them disappeared and their lips touched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a slightly less angsty chapter this time. I cheated a little bit by using the chorus as inspiration for this chapter, but I thought it was important to give the boys some happiness before _issues_ happen again. Back onto the verses next time.
> 
> As always, your thoughts are much appreciated. :)


	3. You Needed Proof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three and we're back to our scheduled angst.
> 
> WARNING: There's a moment in this that could be read as dub-con due to one character being emotional. I don't like writing dub-con so I very much intended it to be consensual but I realised on reading it back I didn't make it that clear. It's right at the end of the first 'section' of this chapter, so just miss the last few lines of that bit, if you'd like.
> 
> IMPORTANT: I like Sif as a character and she isn't intended to be a villain in this. I wanted her to show a perspective other than Loki's and maybe challenge him a bit on some of his views. Not that I don't love Loki too... He's still my fave, but, I've got to admit he can be a bit of a prick.

__

_Well your faith was strong but you needed proof_  
_You saw her bathing on the roof_  
_Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya_  
_She tied you to her kitchen chair_  
_She broke your throne and she cut your hair_  
_And from your lips she drew the hallelujah_

Loki grew accustomed to having his brother’s attention over the next few years of his life. The pair’s relationship grew to heights of intimacy Loki had previously not thought possible. There were, of course, moments of jealousy. It was expected that the two would take eligible partners to formal occasions and they were often encouraged by their parents to invite suitable matches on romantic walks around the grounds, or to watch them compete in sparring matches, and, whilst they both knew such events were necessary for keeping up appearances, or at least keeping their parents reassured that they would eventually settle down with an appropriate partner, neither man was used to sharing what was theirs.

As expected, Loki usually found himself competing with Sif. Their father seemed intent on the match between the older of the two and the warrior and insisted Thor take her to as many official gatherings and celebrations as possible. Loki suspected that Odin wanted Thor and Sif to be seen together frequently so that it would be widely assumed the two were courting, with the hope that this would somehow ensure Thor chose her as his official consort when the time came, if only not to cause a public scandal. 

The partners chosen for Loki varied. The younger brother had initially played along with his father’s demands, being charming and attentive to all his suitors, he did not, after all, want rumour to spread the he was a bad partner – his ego would not allow it. But, as the months, and eventually years wore on, and it was clear that his efforts were in vain as he was still never viewed as anything but second best to his brother by any potential partner, Loki grew bored of playing the gracious gentleman and, pride be damned, decided it would be simpler to just make his being uninterested clear to discourage anyone from wanting to spend another dull afternoon with him.

His wounded pride at becoming ever less desirable to others in comparison with his brother was usually short-lived, however, as, at the end of the day, he and Thor always returned to each other – their nights filled with reassurances and promises. Promises they both knew could realistically never come to fruition. That didn’t stop Loki from wanting to prevent the inevitable time when they would both need to declare official consorts for as long as possible.

Fortunately for Loki, for the majority of their young adult years, Thor had shown little interest in Sif, or indeed in any other partner deemed suitable by the allfather, outside of respecting her as an extremely capable fighter, but, recently, Loki had noticed something changing.

Thor, Loki, Sif, and the warriors three had been travelling Asgard and occasionally the other realms on minor missions and adventures. They were usually sent to keep the peace in villages or fight the occasional cave troll, all important work in these times of peace and prosperity, Odin assured them.

Things had begun much as Loki had expected them to. He was still, at best, the target of jokes and, at worst, outright mistrusted by anyone other than Thor, and, as usual, he would often find himself alone watching the others interact in their loud and boisterous way. He couldn’t say he enjoyed the dynamic, he most certainly didn’t, but it was one he’d become accustomed to by now.

However, there came a time where Loki did not accompany the group on their missions. He had been summoned by the allfather to embark on a mission of his own. Apparently no one knew the depths Asgard’s many corridors and secret passageways better than him, and he was now to put all the _‘foolish wandering off and hiding’_ of his childhood, as his father put it, along with his magic, to good use. He spent weeks in the palace libraries researching protection spells and searching for any information on forgotten hidden entrances into the kingdom so that he could help put up barriers.

During this time, the brothers rarely saw each other. Loki suspected that had been part of their father’s plan. Thor was often away for days at a time with the warriors three and Sif, whilst Loki was spending every waking moment buried in old books and archives. When Thor did return it was usually only for a night or two before he was sent off once more. 

Eventually, his task complete, Loki was permitted to once again join the group’s missions, but things seemed to have changed. The group had taken on a different dynamic. Where once Thor had preferred to fight with Loki and Hogun on each side of him, he now fought side-by-side with Sif. Where once he would laugh equally good-naturedly with all his friends, he would now laugh more loudly than necessary at her jokes. Where once their sleeping arrangements were generally disorganised, now, when their missions required them to camp overnight, Thor would somehow always end up with the tent next to hers. 

If Loki’s suspicions about their father’s motive were correct, then it was clear Odin’s plan had succeeded. Thor seemed far more interested in Sif than he ever had done before, and Loki was not pleased.

Wanting his apprehensions to be incorrect, Loki withdrew from the group during their missions even more than when he had been with them last. He watched his brother’s interactions with Sif closely, wondering if Thor would notice him doing so. When his brother remained oblivious, Loki started retiring to his tent early in the hopes that Thor would wonder where he was and come to see if he was okay. He knew it was childish behaviour, but he wanted _Thor_ to come to _him_ , to apologise and explain that Loki had it all wrong. But Thor never came. 

Then, one evening, after observing his brother positively moon at Lady Sif across the campfire for far too long, Loki had finally had enough and, losing patience, decided to confront Thor.

Once the group had retired for the night, Loki slipped into his brother’s tent. Thor was still awake, polishing Mjolir, despite the fact that the hammer had not been used in battle yet this mission and, thus, was as shiny as when they had left the palace. Loki struggled to keep the look of disapproval off his face – it would not do well to anger Thor before he’d made his point, and no one, not even Loki, could get away with mocking the hammer. 

‘Loki!’ Thor beamed, noticing his brother enter the tent. Loki felt a pang in his chest. No matter how annoyed with his brother Loki was, the pure, unadulterated delight that would grace Thor’s face when he greeted him always triggered an unwanted warmth within him. Loki shook away the feeling.

‘Would you prefer someone else?’ Loki tried keep the bitterness out of his voice, but Thor’s falling expression told him he hadn’t succeeded.

‘What do you mean?’ 

Loki walked to sit next to his brother. He was angry at Thor’s pretend ignorance, but he wanted to try to keep his cool, and he was also very aware of the hammer still in his brother’s hands.

‘Sif. I’ve noticed the way you look at her-’ Loki began, and then paused. He had been putting all his efforts into not sounding angry and, instead, something about confessing his concerns aloud had brought the sadness he felt to his voice instead. He sounded sad and pathetic even to his own ears. He felt a lump in his throat and stopped himself from speaking again for fear that, now they had started to escape, his emotions would come rushing out all at once.

‘Yes, I might sometimes look at her. She is a very beautiful and talented woman, Loki, but that doesn’t mean that I would want her here instead of you.’

Loki wished he could believe that was true. He took a deep breath and tried to regain his composure as he spoke his next words. ‘I can see that you feel for her.’

Thor shifted next to him but remained quiet for a beat too long before replying.

‘I don’t feel anything for-‘

‘Don’t lie to me!’ Loki snapped, and just like that, the anger was back, ‘There is no point in trying, I can tell. Be honest with me or throw me out, but don’t you dare lie to me!’

Thor was deadly still for a moment and Loki worried his brother really was considering throwing him out of the tent, but then lots of things happened in quick succession.

Mjolir was tossed to the side, Loki was pulled into a tight embrace, and tears were streaming down his cheeks. Thor was murmuring as he held him. ‘I’m sorry, Loki. It’s okay.  
Nothing happened. It’s you, it’s always you. I’m sorry, brother. Please forgive me.’

They stayed like that for a while, Thor holding Loki and talking quietly but urgently into his ear, until Loki pulled away.

‘Prove it,’ Loki's voice was surprisingly clear and assured after the emotion that had just poured out of him, ‘prove that you want me more.’

Thor needed no more encouragement, and by the end of the night his voice was hoarse from calling out his brother’s name.

 

\---

 

Loki slipped out of Thor’s tent just before dawn. He needed to spend some time away from Sif and the warriors three and planned to walk until the group was due to move to their next location so as to miss the usual morning bustle of eating, washing, and packing with the others.

Now that he thought about it, he supposed he could do with bathing after last night’s activities. He changed track and headed for the nearby stream for a quick wash before beginning his walk.

He had just bent down to splash his face with water when someone spoke behind him.

‘Didn't expect to see you awake so early.’

Loki spun round to see Sif standing behind him and felt his temper flare. But thinking about the previous night’s events helped to calm him, and he even found himself feeling a little smug.

‘Not many people can sneak up on me. Sure you’re not a witch?’

‘Yes. Just a far better warrior than you.’

Loki bristled, but Sif carried on. ‘You were distracted. Can’t say I’m surprised to find you here. After last night, I’d probably want to wash too.’

Loki stopped his gut reaction of snapping at her to stay out of his affairs. This was what he’d wanted, after all. He had no doubt that the rest of their camp had heard what had gone on between him and Thor last night. He wanted them all to know that Thor was his. That, even though the two of them may fight, even though they were expected to marry other people, even though they had been apart for weeks on end, the two of them would always come back to each other.

Loki smirked at Sif. Good. Let her think about what went on last night. Let her imagination run wild. Let her keep replaying Thor’s voice shouting his name over and over in her mind. Let her wonder what on earth Loki could be doing to make Thor feel that good.

Loki finished washing slowly, and then turned to leave. It seemed that Sif had not moved.

‘Can I help you?’ Loki asked as he walked past her, heading back to the path.

‘You don’t need to do this.’

Loki stopped in his tracks. ‘Do what?’

‘Compete with me.’

Loki sneered. ‘You’re not competition.’ He felt he’d made that clear last night.

Sif made an exasperated sound. ‘Okay whatever you want to call it. You can stop. I’m not trying to get between the two of you. I don’t think anyone would _want_ to get between whatever this is you have going on.’

‘You might want to take that up with my father.’ Loki began to walk away again.

‘Loki, wait.’

‘I really don’t have time to-‘

‘Yes, you do. So listen. I don’t care about whatever it is you two have. If I had my way I would spend the rest of my life as a warrior and die a heroic and noble death fighting for my people. I have no interest in marriage. What I do have interest in is our performance in battle, and bringing your emotions into battles with us is a hindrance. You don’t like me, that’s fine, it does not matter to me, but when it affects your performance out there and thus risks the group’s safety, then we have a problem. Do whatever you want to do off the battlefield, but when we get out there we need to defend each other as if we were defending the person we love most in this world.’

Thinking of the previous night's events was not enough to stop the rage Loki felt this time.

‘How dare you presume what I bring to the battlefield! I am just as capable out there as any of you! Have you ever been in danger because of something I’ve done? Have you ever been at risk because I’ve not done my job properly? Have I not _saved_ all of your lives at least once?! Do you think I would ever let my guard down for a second when doing so could risk Thor's safety? Do not presume to know me. I have proven myself to you every time I fight alongside you, and yet you all still underestimate me. I think it is you who needs to think about the attitudes you bring to the battles.’

Loki was seething with anger, but Sif did not relent.

‘You act as if you are the only one to experience hardship, but you’re not the only one who is underestimated, Loki.’ Sif’s voice was dangerously quiet in comparison to Loki’s rage. ‘All my life I have had to fight twice as hard to get even half the recognition you have. You were raised to one day rule a kingdom, I was raised to marry for status. You were taught to fight as soon as you were able by the best guards in the kingdom, I had to teach myself. You will continue to rule and battle for as long as you wish, my years are limited before I’m expected to quit to bear children. If you fail, you’re still a prince of Asgard, if I fail many will see it as a sign that women shouldn’t be allowed to be warriors at all. It may have been tough for you, but it is tough for many of us. We learn to fight for what is right, not to act like a spoiled child when things do not go our way.’

‘You know nothing of what I have experienced!’ Loki fumed, preparing to summon his daggers to fight. Sif was adopting a similarly defensive position.

Suddenly Mjolir landed between them.

‘What is going on?’ Thor's voice boomed as he rushed towards the pair, picking up his hammer and looking from his friend to his brother.

Neither of them answered.

‘Sif? Loki? What is the meaning of this? Someone explain it to me now.’

Loki looked at his brother standing between them and a realisation struck him. This is how it would always be. Thor may choose him privately, but publicly that could never be the case. Whether he married Sif or another high-born woman, Thor would always be between the two of them, forced to balance his private and public lives. And Loki would always have to tolerate this other presence in his brother’s life. Thor would never truly be his. 

No matter how hard he tried, he would never be enough. 

Without responding to his brother’s question, he turned and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Sorry for the slightly abrupt ending, I sort of hit a block when it came to ending Loki and Sif's argument!
> 
> I was originally going to have explicit sexual content in this chapter (some of what Loki and Thor got up to that night in the tent) but then decided to cut it out so I didn't change the rating of the fic. 
> 
> Buuut I had already written some of the smut so if anyone is interested I could finish it and post it separately.
> 
> As always, thoughts are very welcome :D


	4. Love is Not a Victory March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The events of the first Thor film take place between the previous chapter and this one. This chapter is set during The Avengers in the scene where Thor and Loki are first reunited after Thor grabs him from the jet and before Tony grabs Thor from the cliff.

_Well, baby, I've been here before  
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor  
You know, I used to live alone before I knew you  
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
But love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah _

\---

 

_So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me?_

Why do you twist my words?

_You could have told me what I was from the beginning! Why didn't you?_

You're my son... I wanted only to protect you from the truth...

_What, because I... I... I am the monster parents tell their children about at night?_

No! No!

_You know, it all makes sense now, why you favored Thor all these years, because no matter how much you claim to love me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard!_

\---

I thought you dead.

_Did you mourn?_

We all did. Our father-

_YOUR father! He did tell you my true parentage, did he not?_

We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that?

_I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss, I who was and should be king!_

So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights? ... You miss the truth of ruling, brother. A throne would suit you ill... 

Give up this poisonous dream!

Come home.

 

\---

 

Of all the places Thor had imagined himself to be, pleading with his brother on the side of a Midgardian cliff face had not been one of them. But, then again, he had never imagined that Loki could be anything other than his Asgardian younger brother. Or that their father could have lied to them for their entire lives. He supposed nothing had really gone as he'd imagined it these past few years. He couldn't help but wonder how things may have been different if the allfather had been honest with them from the start.

Not that it mattered now. He couldn't allow himself to waste time thinking about what could have been. He had to put all his energy in making Loki see sense. In getting him to come _home_.

'Loki... Please. It's not too late. You can put an end to this. _We_ can stop this. Together. Before your army comes. Before people get hurt. Before you do something you'll regret.'

Loki, who had been looking over the cliff edge, turned abruptly and trained his dark eyes on Thor's.

Thor had to stop himself from physically pulling away from the look he was greeted with. Loki was staring at him with such disgust and rage as he'd never seen turned in his direction before. He was used to Loki's tempers and derision, and had been on the receiving end of his brother's foul moods more than once, but he had never before been the recipient of such unadulterated rage.

'Do not presume to know me, Odinson. The only thing I will regret is not taking such actions sooner. To think I've been competing with you all these years to rule a realm that would always view me as inferior when I could have begun my conquest of more worthy worlds earlier,' Loki scoffed, 'now _that_ I regret.'

'Then stop this! Come back to Asgard before this goes too far. Before you prove those who would say you are not worthy right! We can fix this. We needn't fight. We can rule together.'

'Do not _lie_ to me! There will be no together. There will only be you taking the glory and me standing behind you, eclipsed by your _heroism_. Just as it has always been.'

'Brother-'

'No! That's enough! Don't you see, Thor? You've won. Just as you were always meant to. Go back to Asgard. Rule as father always intended you to. But this planet is mine. I will have it whether you leave it to me peacefully or whether I have you fight you for it.'

As hard as he had been trying to keep his temper in check, Thor couldn't help but feel his anger flare up at his brother's words.

'Do not talk to me of _peace_. You know nothing of the word other than how to destroy it! We could have had peace once. But you lent your greed and jealousy more importance than our happiness. Do not pretend that me leaving this world to you to treat as you wish is an option.'

Loki's lips pulled up in a smirk that would have fooled almost anyone, but Thor, who knew his brother better than anyone in the nine realms, could see the sadness that had made its way behind his eyes as he spoke.

'We could never have had peace. The odds were always stacked in your favour. You may have felt happiness because it was always you who was winning, but being second best isn't enough for me. Not anymore.'

Thor wracked his brain for words. For words that would make things right. He had always been the one who could get through to Loki when no one else could, but now, when it mattered most of all, Loki felt further from him than he'd ever known.

He thought he'd lost him once. He couldn't go through that again. He needed his brother back. Needed him to come home where he belonged.

'Forget about that. Forget about winning and losing and ruling. Remember _this_ ,' he grasped Loki's hand in his own. 'Remember us. Think of what we could be if we didn't have the throne coming between us. Ruling means nothing to me if I don't have my brother by my side.'

Thor searched Loki's face desperately for signs that his brother was listening. That his words were having an impact.

Loki opened his mouth as if to reply before shutting it without saying anything. A wave of uncertainty seemed to flash across his face before he ducked his head and looked down at their clasped hands. Thor felt his heart lurch and held his breath, trying his hardest not to make any noise and break the moment, and hoping to Odin that his words had finally managed to reach across the emptiness between them, push through the pain to the part of the Loki that existed before this chaos, the part that Thor knew was still there somewhere.

After a silence that seemed to stretch for hours, Loki raised his eyes, though they didn't quite meet Thor's gaze.

'You have no brother.' Loki's words were quiet as he pulled his hand from his brother's grip, but to Thor they felt as loud as if Loki has screamed them in his ear and as painful as if he had carved them into his chest.

When, seconds later, Thor was forced off the cliff by the man he would later know as Stark, he barely felt the impact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Apologies for the slow update this time. Real life happened! But I'm hoping to get back to fairly regular updates now :)  
> As always, comments are more than welcome!


End file.
